?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Jen
sweetcharade
.: ..:: .. : ::::.::.. ::: . .::. :::: : .:..:.

March 2011
    1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30 31

Jen [userpic]
sweetcharade + Jack Daniel's=YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

People are confusing to me. Not the sheep, the sheep infuriate me, the brainwashed masses, people that have no free will of their own, they fucking kill me. The sheep seem to be the most ignorant/hypocritical. Ignorance/hypocrisy are things I can't stand.

The people that confuse me the most are the people that can't open up to their emotions. People that can't see that right in front of them there's a person that loves them, and want to be with them for a very long time. When I love someone I love them completely, passionately, fiercely, I would stop time for the person I love.  I would lay my very soul on the line for the person I love, and yet people that can't filter through their own shit in order to see their own feelings, people that think they're unworthy of love.  The people that think they're unworthy of love are often the most complex people. I know this because I am one of them. I want to be loved, and I want to love someone. I miss that feeling, that knowledge. 

I am at my core a sweet, kind, caring.reasonably intellegent person.  I know that I am someone that is worth something to someone else. I have friends that would fight for me, even though they don't need to. There are people that would lay everything on the line for me. I know this, yet for the life of me, I cannot see why anyone would think this of me. I have self esteem issues/daddy issues up the ass, and every now and then I get into this melancholy state. I know this. I am Jen, and I try to work through my shit, sometimes I fail. 

I asked a few people why/when have I become so bitter. Nick's theory is that I'm not getting laid, Ken's theory is that I've been bitter since I came back from England because being with Matt failed, Jay's theory is because I'm unhappy. Jeff said he had no idea I'd become so bitter. I think it's more than likely a combination of all three. I am happy when I'm with wattshumphrey, but there are times when my own bullshit rears its head.  

When my own bullshit rears its head there are a few things I do: shut down, reach for a bottle, or call the one person who knows me better than anyone else. I've been dealing with my shit for a couple of days now, and tonight I reached for the bottle and I called that person. I drink to either forget someone or to not be Jen. Sometimes being Jen is something I can't stand. 

Nick asked me today why I don't see myself as attractive, and I said "I don't know why, I just don't."  I don't see myself as attractive, funny, or smart.  I'm just Jen, sometimes that's ok, and sometimes it's not.........

Current Mood: drunkdrunk/melancholy/introspective
Current Music: Oasis-Supersonic
Comments
(Anonymous)
From Jen.

Awh. Jen. I think you're an amazing person! I enjoy talking to you to no end. I think, being a Jen, sometimes we just need to be coddled. :-D It's rough! Anyway. This post was not self righteous. Hehehe.

Re: From Jen.

Awwwww thank you darlin. <3