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Jen
sweetcharade
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March 2011
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Jen [userpic]
"I hear words in clips and phrases"

I can't stop thinking, yet there is nothing important to say.  Random words form random thoughts, and quickly they're gone. My thoughts leave a haunting cloud in my eyes. Is it really a year too late?  Did I fuck up something big? What exactly am I? A bottled redhead who's both reasonably attractive and resaonably intelligent, yes, but what else is there? A fucked in the head twenty-two year old who thinks about her past too much. Is Jay right?  Am I just an emotionally fucked pyscho whining needy bitch? I have no idea. There is no one to catch me when I fall off the edge, that I do know.  I also know that I want what I can't have. What I want is someone who can just sleep with me, I want a kind of intimacy and comfort that I've had with few people. One of them used to be my best friend. One of them is getting married and that fact breaks my fucking heart everytime I think of him. The other is a good five thousand miles away, and I have thought of nothing but these three men for months. I wear rings from two of them, and the third is there in my dreams and my heart. Everyday I start over, pick myself up and try not to let my history with the most influential people of my lives affect me. Constantly I fail. Blaming myself for things I shouldn't. Hating myself for no good reason. Struggling with every fucked up thing in my head, asking myself why can't I be "normal".  Too much of myself is locked away somewhere that I can't get to. I know for a fact that there's a locked door in my head, that may be the key to everything, but Jeff couldn't get through it and neither can I.  I love too much. That I do know. I know that I don't trust Jay. I can't love someone I don't trust. So why the plaguing thoughts?  My heart is killing me daily, and I am physically crumbling under the weight of it.  I cannot let this happen anymore, but I don't know how to stop it. 

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: none I'm watching The Rock
Comments
(Anonymous)

Peter Steele's real name is Petrov Stalin. Yes, he's a descendant of THAT Stalin.

Also, when the Boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Crocostimpy

*laughs* You are such a fucking tool.
Peter Steele= sexy even if he is a descendant of a mass murdering fuckhead :p Besides, have we forgotten my insane love of Vlad Tepes :p

I always knew there was something creepy about Chuck Norris. Damn you Walker, Texas Ranger!

(Anonymous)
logical

You love just enough, you get caught in the wrong places. The door in your head was opened . But you shut it , you can do so much more then just work at I Hop or work at the stadium. Maybe that is it , you settle for something that is neither rewarding nor fulfilling . Your brilliant mind ,sensitive heart,quirky expressions and not enough believing in yourself . Don't rely on others , rely on yourself ,look in the mirror and understand you . Quit being unhappy about all the other idiots in your life . Jay, Jeff or Matt had no idea what they lost and don't understand where they lost it . You can't change their understanding, to stubborn, not enough tolerance and very superficial in their own worlds . Jen your better then that , better then they will ever be . So quit blaming yourself and remember that it gets better as soon as you forgive yourself .

Re: logical

Maybe I do settle, yet I know I have had things that were rewarding and fulfilling. I love working at Miller Park, and I'm anticipating the new season. Ihop's just something to do during the offseason. Forgiving myself has always been extremely hard to do.
"Your brilliant mind ,sensitive heart,quirky expressions" At least you can see something that I don't. *sigh* I don't know anymore.

(Anonymous)
Look here, Sweet Cheeks

You need to shut the fuck up. Do you really think you love too much? Dude. You just admitted to like thinking of three fucking guys constantly. Three guys you nympho skank. I have been reading your bullshit blog for months now and all I have to say is to shut up and actually grow up and maybe live without men for a minute. They should not be the key to your universe. If they are, well, that just makes you a sad bitch don't it? I mean hell come on. Stop acting like some deep person. The only thing deep about you is the bullshit you wade through in your petty, immature little mind.
Stop being a big whore and become your own person. Men are not everything! MEN DO NOT MAKE YOUR IDENTITY UNLESS YOUR A BIG DUMB BITCH WHO NEEDS CONSTANT ATTENTION. Stop whining and get a fucking hobby. Something like swimming with plugged in toasters.
Also I don't like reading about how you smell like sex and how you have orgasms getting bitten. With maturity comes a little something called discretion. Look it up in the fucking dictionary and then practice.
Your problem is you waste too much fucking time thinking about how you fucking feel and not enough on the needs and feelings of others. You are a narcissistic, selfish egomaniac when really you hold nothing but a few brain cells and an overused vagina.
Get a hobby preferrably involving electricity or matches. I'm doing this for your own good. Your boring.

Re: Look here, Sweet Cheeks

Wow. DUDE. Chill the fuck out. OK first of all, if you've been reading my blog for months as you put it you would know that I have had a lot of drama concerning two of the men I have mentioned. They both happen to be ex boyfriends, also one of the two used to be my best friend. I have known my ex-best friend for SEVEN fucking years. If you can't do the math, that means I've known him since I was fifteen. The third is my ex fiance. I was engaged for three years. That is going to have an effect on ANYONE. My identity is something that I will come into in time, it's all a part of growing up. I use this space to say exactly what I'm feeling/thinking at any particular time, and if you don't like it, fine. Read something else. Also my "fucking hobby" happens to be my writing, the biting is my fetish. If you don't like what I am or what I get off on, fuck off. It's that fucking simple. I am a bitch, I'm whiney, and I don't give a flying fuck what anyone has to say or think about me. I am Jen. A slutty manic depressive poet who sees nothing but beauty in the pain I feel. All I have to say to you is this: if you don't like who or what I am fuck off and do something else with your time.

(Anonymous)
Re: Look here, Sweet Cheeks

Skank is a strong word for her . She is truly a good woman with a good heart she just does not see those just rewards. But since the bashing and manipulating bull shit that seems to pour from your adolescent mouth I am amused. Not amused in a pissed off psychotic way but amused that your petty life draws you to bash someone that you find rewarding. Based on your own life you must have suffered similar feats in your life time . Constant attention is more along the lines of you keep reading her blog so that would mean you participate in this scenario.Its a blog a journal about your life , a diary of sorts where people can write what they want about their lives . If she is boring why the long drawn out answer or reply you are basing this on her journal not on her exact lifestyle . But her writing is amazing maybe you should check it out sometime ,she wrote an amazing piece about wolves .

Re: Look here, Sweet Cheeks

Thank you, hun. I still say the wolves belong to us. I still need to finish the spell/grammar check it but once I've finished with it I can send you a copy if you need it. I love you, but you're an editor's nightmare. :p

(Anonymous)
Re: Look here, Sweet Cheeks

Hey, you fucking waste of life.....
If your ego is so small that you have to wade through random live journals and make fun of people, you are the worst example of a human being I have ever seen. Why dont you kill yourself and quit pissing in the gene pool.

Re: Look here, Sweet Cheeks

*laughs* Thank you sweetie

(Anonymous)
Oh sis.

Sis... this one I didn't even know what to say. Oh sis. I know what you're talking about. I've felt that way so many times it's insane. And lately it's something I'm struggling with. Living day by day is something that is difficult. There is no such thing as "normal". No one is. We can attempt to put ourselves into some kind of mold... to signify what is and is not normal, but it doesn't mean we are. There are special tidbits in all of us. Each and every one... it's a shame that we're constnatly told that we're not special. Sigh... stay away from men with J's in there name it's just drama. Sigh SIGH SIGH. Easier said than done.

Re: Oh sis.

Thank you Asia. I love you, and J names are evil. I feel better now, those were just things I needed to get off my chest. I hope I'll talk to you soon, I need to gush over my loot :D