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Jen
sweetcharade
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March 2011
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Jen [userpic]
Jokes from my mommy!!!

A GENIE........




A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked
it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked
if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a
story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie.

So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.

See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I
want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring
about world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being
in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good, but not THAT good!

I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find
the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and
helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family,
doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for .. a
good man."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that
freakin' map again."

The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Texas quarters.

"We are recalling all of the new Texas quarters that were recently issued, "Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday.

"This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Shackelford. The winning design for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas A&M student William Doutrieux.

"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.


A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his
little girl was. Just precious!

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went
over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl
asked.

"No," her father replied, "both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat.. "Well, we're not having any of that shit in our
garden."



Subject: HER THOUGHTS


HER DIARY


SUNDAY NIGHT



I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to
have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't
flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he
agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked
him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with
me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he
simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior... I don't know why he didn't say I love
you, too!

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, and he acted as if he
wanted nothing to do with me. He just sat there
watching TV, and he seemed very distant and absent. Finally... when I
decided to go to bed... about 10 minutes later
he came to bed. And to my surprise he responded to my caresses and we
made love, but I still felt that he was
distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.


I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him
with the situation, but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.



I don't know what to do... I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else.

My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY


SUNDAY NIGHT


Today the Packers's lost, but at least I got laid.

Current Mood: geekygeeky
Current Music: Garth Brooks-Rollin