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March 2011
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Jen [userpic]
Leave your baggage at the door

It's always been hard for me to be open and completely honest. I can't help that, I can't change it. It means confronting issues that I'm not ready to deal with yet. I can't talk about my daddy issues. Struggling with 18 years of abandonment is hard enough, and struggling with the only real father I've ever known leaving at age 7 is unbearable. I'm complicated, and I'm fucked up. I've got the scars, mood swings, and suicidal poetry to prove it. I want to be mentally stable, I want it so badly that words aren't adequate enough to describe it. I want to be loved and cherished, everywhere I've turned my head has fucked everything up. I don't deserved to be loved or cherished, I'm not worthy of something so great. I know it's not easy to understand, and I know it's frustrating. It's also not easy having these demons in my head, I need help, I know that. Only two people have been able to try and help, to show me how illogical it is when something small hurts and pushes me back into the ratty cardboard box that is my soul. (Meg-I need a new box)
I hide things because I'm afraid. Terrified of yet another heartbreak, one that will push me over the edge my sanity stands on. I'm scared shitless of finding out that I'm not what he wants or needs, because he is perfect for me. I'm afraid to talk about what exactly goes on in my head because I'm afraid of pushing him away. I let him see my eyes that very first moment we met. He saw my soul. I never let anyone see my eyes, that's a trust issue. I don't let people in because I'm afraid, I'm afraid of them seeing my monsters and seeing how fucked up I truly am. I am not that perfect happy person, I am not worthy of his heart, I am everything most people never wanted to be. Lonely, scared, and struggling to understand things no one understands.
I cherish love because it is the purest most uncomplicated thing I can feel. It lifts me up and fills me with joy, it is the only thing I truly believe in. Without love, I truly am nothing, just the empty shell I was in high school. Without him, and without the love I feel for him I will turn into that shell again. I can't tell you everything because I'm too scared. And that makes me weak, and feel shittier than I could have ever felt. Despite everything in my head, I love you, and I wish I could tell you everything. I'm sorry that I can't right now, hopefully in time I will be able to tell you.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Nickelback-Figured You Out