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March 2011
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Jen [userpic]
Humidity is melting my brain

Thoughts from the past few days that are cluttering up my mind:

The bruises on my arms remind me of the marks I left on you. They're the exact same colour as the ones I gave you, and they have been since the day I got them.

I keep dreaming about you, in places I don't recognise, all I know in these dreams is you. They end the same too, with me reaching out for you and you just smile and vanish. Frequently I dream about the day you were in the garage and the radio was playing Whole Lotta Love and we sang it. After the garage dream or maybe it's a flashback, I don't know, I see us standing in the backyard tearing up the pool cover and you making cute disgusted faces at your dirty hands while I laugh and wrap my arms around you careful not to get your shirt dirty and kiss you. I wake up from these dreams feeling a sense of loss so deep it settles in my bones. I get flashbacks of walking through the park, wanting to shag in the fish room, you holding my hand on New Year's Eve, laying on the couch with you watching tv.

I'm so fucking frustrated because not a day goes by that I don't think of you, I can't tell you everything that's going on with me now. I've been so damn short tempered lately, and I have these childish and immature thoughts that make me hate myself even more. Ever since your bloody email I've been blaming myself, my friends tell me it's not my fault, but I can't keep from thinking it is. I've never had these kind of thoughts before and it's scaring me. Deep down though, I still miss you. That's the hell of it. How can I love someone who hurt me this much? How fucking masochistic am I? I was so stupidly stubborn and hopeful that there would be another chance. Am I just young? Stupid? Both?

Maybe you'll see this, maybe you won't, but these are things I couldn't keep bottled up inside or else I'd go mad.

Current Mood: bitchybitchy
Current Music: Led Zeepelin-Babe I'm Gonna Leave You