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March 2011
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Jen [userpic]

um so yeah. I don't know how I feel. I'm just breathing, I think, maybe I shouldn't be. I've become a shadow, a shell, a hollow Easter bunny. Things just aren't right, I don't know how and I don't know why. Well, I do know why, and I do know that Jen won't be Jen until she's home again. I don't feel like eating, strangely enough. I don't feel like anything, I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there. I can't feel, can't think, can't cry. I'm just awful. Scarily enough, I think I feel so shit that I want to die. That scares me, I haven't felt like that in ages. It feels scary as shit, when you want to die. I just keep thinking about him, laying in bed sleeping, prolly dreaming about something nice and me laying next to him holding him and watching him sleep. Instead I'm here, feeling like hell, and wallowing in all of my misery and my loneliness. I don't know anymore. My stomach hurts, maybe I'm hungry, but I just don't want to eat and my heart hurts. Hell, my heart aches, I feel like I've been ripped apart. My body stays here, my mind has shut down, and my soul.........well, my soul is there with him, in the bed that is ours. My soul is with him while he works, while he goes around town, while he does anything. Maybe I should stop, I think my thoughts are becoming to clouded in the mist of my hollow shell........

Current Mood: lonely, empty, and missing you
Current Music: Pearl Jam- Black

thinking of just dieing is terribly scary. Please put the thought out of your mind. Some day it will get better. I am sorry that I can't do anything more to make you feel better. Just keep fighting those demons, its not worth it to let them win. Love ya. -Meg-

Thanks, Megsy. I just can't seem to get out of this hole. I feel worse today than I did when I posted that, except that now I just don't care about anything. Hell, sis, I feel worse than Jen normally does. I'm sub-Jen. But yeah it is scary feeling like that. The fact that you care so much makes me feel better. I love you Megsy I just hope you know that. I don't think I have anything left in me to fight this. I need something! Hell, I need *him* I'll die without him, Meg I know it. ~sigh~ Help me someone ~cries~